Stabilizer

Stomach sickness all day, skin attacking me starting at the hormonal level, strange uterine problem, sharp rises and falls in weight. My body is an outward truth of the instability I feel growing in my mind. There is so much happening around me right now that I feel my body crushing under the weight of its manifestation. I quit my job today. On purpose. I will be without a job on the 24th of this month. A little less than a week. It wouldn't be the first time (I've quit), but it went against every plan I had. ha....which I suppose is ironic. I suppose also that it is okay. I want to eagerly desire and rest in G-d's will for my life. I want to dwell in it so closely with Him that we are intertwined as lovers for the rest of my existence. It is clear to me that this is what G-d intends. So I go.

One worry, though. One moment of doubt brought to mind a slew of others.

1. If I lose my job, I'm going to be on the streets soon. I am frightened. I feel unprepared.
2. But first I need to find someone to take over renting in my house.
3. Homeless designer/seamstress/artist/musician...how is that achievable?
4. I have bills to pay. credit card debt. loans. I need help.
5. There are wedding plans to be made and I don't know how one plans a FREAKIN WEDDING...especially when your parents let you know that September 7th in Fresno, CA is not going to work for them because they don't have the money to attend. Shot down. Back to square one.
6. There are things David and I still need for our travels that we haven't got yet.
7. What if there is something really wrong with my reproductive system? That would hurt my heart.... and geeze....I'm not the biggest fan of the OB/GYN, but I guess I'm going to be spending a whole lot more time there. Being poked....prodded....GAH! Stretched....
8. Money for art supplies. I don't have it.

G-d I give these things to you. All of them. This is my way of proclaiming that I refuse to give into the idea that any of these things are not completely under your power. Lord, lift every burden from my heart and my mind. I relinquish any inkling of control over them I have ever boasted in possessing. G-d your delicate hands have formed me, everyday they continue to keep me strong. Satan sought to bring me down with great force...with depression, with lies that made me question my worth, with ''friends'' that thought me too much of an emotional burden to stay around, with alcohol....that could numb me and turn me into the person I thought I wanted to be. Someone without difficult to deal with feelings, someone funny, bold, and witty instead.

Here I stand in this moment knowing that you have authority over my life. You are my help. You are the only one that can heal me. You hear every prayer. I acknowledge this. You are my Great Stabilizer. The greatest strength to be had. I do not look behind me at my past to know this. I do not look to the future in want of what I think I do not have, and by the prospect of receiving these things know this. But I know that you are my everything right here in this moment. I need and want nothing more than to dwell in your will. So here I am! Your blessings abound in me and I am rich and even more richly loved by the Creator of the Universe. You. Thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you.

Woo! G-d is so good to His children. I feel better already!