look at me with no Walmart.

(Originally posted March 15th, 2009)

I think back on my today and I feel almost sickened with frustration. I remember this. This whole day has been a sort of Déjà vu .

My senior year of high school, I used to wander the isles of the Super Walmart back in Puyallup. One by one.

Stop. Look. “Do I need crayons?”

Think. “Yes. If I buy the crayons I’ll feel a bit better. I like crayons.”

My sister Leilonie had gone to college that year…and that explains the Walmart, but I guess not clearly. You see, we’re only a year and a month apart, my older sister and I. We are a lot the same. I think she’d agree. We laugh at the same things. We sing the same songs after someone speaks a word that triggers a certain memory. We process thoughts the same. She always understands what I’m thinking. And when she left, I found that she was a piece of myself that I had needed. I mean, sure, we could talk on the phone, but it was less often and not really the same. It felt like someone had cut out half of an important organ….my brain….or one of my lungs and I wasn’t healing enough to compensate for the loss.

I would get this unberable feeling of stifled pain and loneliness at least four or five times a week , and the only thing that would make it any better was roaming those isles. It was mostly a good distraction. I would go down every isle and pick up the things I wanted. Slowly. I didn’t want to go home to sit. Sit and think about all the thoughts I never had anyone to tell. My brain just got busy, and then I’d start to miss Leilonie. Maybe I’d just lay and weep for a while. In any case, it wasn’t fun.

When I was done I’d check out my items, go to my car, drive slowly home. Repeat.

I’d think, “I would like to just talk with someone. Just have a normal conversation. A real one. Because no. My day wasn’t fine and I’m not alright and I know that you probably aren’t either. And I wish someone would just ask. I wish we just talked. “

And today I realized, that I feel that same feeling. But look at me with no Walmart.